Packing and Seeing Friends: 9/3/2020
This is when it really started hitting that I would be leaving for a long time. I wasn’t anywhere close to being done with packing, nor had I said goodbye to anyone really.
I heard from my friend at the Science Museum that there was a place called resource depot that had the ability to take educational materials. I had a ton of children’s books, 3 bookshelves full. I took maybe 50% of my clothes and left them at a good will. I only took my colder weather clothes, since anywhere is cooler this time of year than Florida. She took a bunch of stuff I couldn’t hang on to or didn’t fit in the car. That’s when I really accepted that things are just things and they can always be replaced.
I started recording today. I’m not sure where I got the idea of vlogging everything that I did but I have had trouble creating and forming memories in the past and thought it would be a good idea to record since this was a such a big trip.
It was really weird that week trying to deal with everyone’s emotions as well as try to get everything done that would actually let me go. And I don’t mean weird as it was a burden or that I didn’t have feelings about it too. It was really scary and sad and confusing and exciting. When I set myself up for a challenge I don’t let anything stop me from achieving it. I had to take the time to check in personally with everyone but I didn’t really have anyone there for me that I could check in with.
Meetings with Family:
My younger brother helped me move some boxes on my second trip to the Resource Depot in West Palm. It was really good to get a chance to check in with him as sometimes he doesn’t quite understand things. Sometimes, it’s hard to get him to open up about how he’s feeling. We had a good hour in the car and another hour after when we got lunch together at our favorite Mexican place. He told me something that kind of stung but it was honest and that’s what I wanted. He said, “Anthony, you mainly go to work, come home, and lock yourself in your room and don’t come out except during dinner. So I’m not sure how you leaving is any different from you staying.” And yeah he was right from his perspective. He does the same thing too so we don’t have much chance to overlap. We try to invite each other in to do things together but we’re both so spontaneous that usually the other person is busy. A few months ago, in July we did get to go fishing together which was fun.
My mom had no idea that my dad was going to say that when he did. I have no idea how she feels towards him about that but what I can say is that she was beside herself. It wasn’t supposed to be a permanent thing until I was pressed on the matter and realized that’s really what I wanted more than anything. She was very upset for the next week and still probably is a bit. She later described the feeling as akin to grief over a death. She thought I was running away from the family. At one point she thought I was getting away to hurt myself or cut ties. My family relations have always been weird. I’ve definitely said that when I get out that’s it I’m out. The reason is we’ve been so close for so long I know how much i needed to leave. The over dramatization of the expression was only to emphasize the feelings of capture and guilt I felt. I can’t explain it but I’ve always felt guilt and responsibility. I have no idea where this comes from and I’m pretty sure I’ve just put it on myself. She asked if I was leaving because we had a deteriorating relationship too. I had to keep telling her no, I just want to take an adventure and I can’t stand being cooped up in the same room for the past 22 years (4 previously where I was born in a trailer park). She always claims to be low drama but always has the most dramatic outbursts. She called me in hysterics while I was at work trying to grasp some sense of clarity on a situation I still don’t understand. I could have explained things better and I really wish I had scheduled more time in between my two trips, I didn’t think it was going to cause so much heartache and headache for everyone involved.
What I can say is things are much better now. My mom still blows up my phone every so often asking random things, just wanting to check in. But it’s cute and harmless and she’s just trying to show she cares and that she’s there. I was on the phone with her the other day and she finally did say that she supported me. Obviously that felt really good. Of course I knew that she did. Usually I’m so bad at things in the moment. It just is weird how I started to see that she realized that I’m the type of person who is a story teller. That’s why this channel is called The College of Lore. I have no real talents but I have a ton of skills and I love telling stories. I’m pretty smart and can remember weird factoids more than what I had for breakfast. It’s not like I’m trying to change into this new persona, it’s more like I’m just discovering who I am along the way and I really needed to figure this out. It’s a shame it took me this long but it’s all working out for the best in the end I think. Even if the trip were to end right now and I was called away back home, I will have started a personal internal journey that I want to see through even if it’s private.
My mom was the only person to tell my grandmother so I can understand why she had the reaction that she did. I think the word she used was “Buffaloed (subdue, restrain, or overcome by affecting with a feeling of awe)” which is an absolutely perfect usage of that multi-definition word. I didn’t get a chance to tell her what I was doing and she asked me to call her as soon as she found out. I wasn’t able to until I got a missed call from my uncle 2 or 3 days later. I guess I can say I didn’t really know the effect my leaving had on everyone.
My uncle was the first person to actually call me up and tell me that he supported me. I really can’t put into words how that made me feel because at the time I didn’t know how much I needed that support.
When I finally did get a chance to call my grandma, I was able to explain things the way my uncle coached me. I appealed to the fact that she had traveled the country many times over and asked her for advice. It turns out she has been to the Upper Peninsula (which I recently learned was called the UP haha) many years ago with my late grandfather and watched the leaves change. She cautioned me to stay away from pasties which were not fruit filled pastries but instead hearty meat and vegetable pies that miners used to take with them for lunch into the mines. I got a chance to really talk to her and explain things which was nice.
My dad was interesting. It’s always difficult to see through his exterior and get to how he’s feeling. I was asking for advice and things and keeping him apprised on the little things. I actually wanted him to come with me to help drop some books off with me so we could talk more. He stuck to the facts and details pretty much through the whole packing process. It was only towards the end that I really started to see the shell break down. He was pretty adamant about me putting a tracker on my phone. Brought up some really morbid stuff a few times. Saying things like, “You know we need the tracker to be on your phone so we can call the police to come get your body out of whatever ditch you end up in.” First of all, if I still have my wallet on me, it has my licence and shows my place of residence as his house, so the tracker really isn’t necessary. It eats up battery and doesn’t always work well enough to accomplish its purpose of assuaging worries. I really wanted some space at the time and still do. I want my connection to them to be on my terms but I guess that’s not really how a healthy relationship works. I pushed back in the moment and said, “I’d rather just tell you guys what I’m doing and where I’m planning on going after the fact and show you pictures.” He really pushed back on that and it was kind of scary to see that complete flip in emotion from laid back, clipped facts to full on, leaning forward in the chair yelling at me that I was or wasn’t going to do something in a certain way. In the moment I really didn’t care what he was saying and wanted to reject everything I was hearing but in an effort to just end the conversation I agreed with him and left the room. It’s really not that big of a deal of to do things on my terms for this portion of my life (for once). But I’ll keep the phone tracker on and keep updating them when I go out or move and stuff. It just sucks that I can’t come to that conclusion myself and have to keep following what they say. It feels like demands and orders instead of conversations about how they feel. If he said, “It would make me feel less worried if I was able to check my phone to see where you are and then I wouldn’t have to be texting you all the time when I get a random pang of anxiety” Ehh this is getting pretty personal. Kind of want to delete it all and say. Packed up and saw some friends. Said good bye to everyone and left. But here we are. I hope I don’t sound too immature. I’m just trying to explain how I feel and some of the emotions I’ve been stuck with for the past 26 years.
I made it a point to see my friends the night before I left. I had to work until around 7 and went over the guys house. I am not sure when it happened but for some reason they’re all basically living together. I got to see all 5 of them at once. They were in and out of the house at different points so I had to tell the story about as many times but it was really awesome to see them before I went. I don’t see them as often as some people but in the before before times I would go to every show they had: Monty. It was fun hanging out with them one last time. Patrick wanted me to take something of his on my trip. He was initially offering a bunch of really personal things from his grandfather who recently passed. I asked for a bracelet or something but then I noticed he had a few earrings. I said what about an earring? I’ll get my ear pierced on the road and keep it with me that way? He ran away and grabbed some medical equipment and ran back. He had a box of sterilized needles and quickly cut and sterilized a potato. Yeah it’s exactly as ridiculous as it sounds.
I also got to see George around midnight, one of my closest friends, who plays video games with me almost every night and went to high school with me. We had a good chat and I left him all my comic books. I haven’t been able to play at all since I got in. My desktop doesn’t have an integrated wifi card and there’s no Ethernet plug in the basement of this guys house.
More updates tomorrow!